Jornal de ppphhhttt

Sore. That is my back, abs and legs from yesterdays workout. My back shouldn't be hurting, but my abs are weak and I don't' engage them as I should cause for years (my whole life?) I've used my back to support me, not my core. OOPS! So I will be walking funny today.

I weighed myself. The same, actually I'm up cause of some crappy food the past couple of days. It seems I can't get lower, but I do go down when I plan EVERYTHING that I eat and DON'T eat out at all. That is exhausting though. Gonna come down to what do I really want and how bad do I want it, I guess.

I found a fantastic vegan/gluten free recipe blog. VIVAGYPSY ROCKS. I can't wait to try some of these! I'm not crazy about meat, I only like a few things so I could get a lot out of these recipes. Had to share!! Especially with Pam-u-la!!

Here is what I made for the week. (Oh! Bought a new 10" stainless steel sauté pan with a lid and made my breakfast with it. I have wanted one of these for months!) Breakfasts: potato, spinach, frittata Lunch: horseradish, cheddar burgers on gluten free buns, tomato, and pickle with corn cut off the cob Snacks: fresh fruit-pineapple, kiwi, blueberries, raspberries, carrot sticks, my trail mix Dinners: quinoa pasta with tomato basil marinara and salad greens.

My menu could use more veggies, but it's better than last weeks 'miss-mash' when I didn't go to the store and survived on what I had. Not a great idea, hit a drive thru 2 or 3 times last week. Damn!!

I broke down and bought a water bottle. (pic with my new pan!) Have a lovely day all! Hope the weather has eased off for you. Gonna be mid 80's all week here. Sa-weeet! That's almost 20 degrees less than this past week!!

(OMG...this frittata is delicious!!)

WOW! Amazing what a good, hard, HYDRATED workout will do for you mentally when you are in a tired, carb-induced, depressive funk. I FEEL INCREDIBLE after today's workout! I have so much I have to do today and... I ain't skeered!! HAHA!!

I can't wait to get my shower, get laundry started, hit Kroger (forgot a few things yesterday), get back and keep on the laundry, vacuum, cook my food for the week and have a couple friends over to check out my bedroom they want to use for a boudoir photo shoot. I feel like I can do anything and everything.

It's insane how I let myself fall into the carb/depression trap EVERY time. What is the barrier in my head that I am afraid to cross? This is the most progress I have made ever in ALL aspects at once, and I keep trying to destroy myself. WHY?!?! I mean, I can see in my body how I look smaller, I can look at the sizes I'm buying and see the difference. I feel better, think better, start AND finish things, breath & function better all around.

The only thing that isn't better (at least not on the scale of what I just mentioned) is my emotional health. Most of the depression comes from dealing with my mother. And I say 'dealing' because that's what I have to do. There is no working with her on anything. She is mentally and emotionally draining. The love that I seek from this woman is beyond the kind she can give. I know she loves me, there is no doubt, but frankly, it's fucked up how she shows it. I also want to share my love with someone special, but that hasn't been in my life for way too long. These are probably the only two voids in my soul and heart that haven't changed. This has to be what's holding me back. But why? What is the relationship between these two needs and how I treat myself? Do I think I'm not worthy of love from anyone, even myself? It's all I can figure. And looking back at how I was treated and the mean things my mother said to me growing up...I can surely say, 'Yes, you were taught that you were not worth anything." How to I convince myself otherwise? How do I love myself and not care what others think? That is the big question. And why all the shrinks make the big bucks!! :-)

Sorry for getting deep, it just hit me and flowed. Hope you all have light in your lives, your hearts and in your step today.

On my 2nd glass of water that holds either 24 or 32 oz. Yay me!!!

Pic of one of my water bottles

Alrighty. I really enjoyed my day off. Spent time with my friends and drank way to much. But play time is over. Back to both jobs and workout today. Don't have much to eat for the next two days. Just some frozen spicy chicken/13 bean soup with quinoa pasta in it. I have some greek yogurt, though I don't know if it's much of a meal. Got some fresh raspberries I could add to it. Then what? HA! Have some carrots I could snack on also. Still have some ham, but so over that. Oh well, 2 days I have to get through, then I can go to the grocery.

Didn't get much sleep last night either, cause I have 'those' neighbors that set off the 'bombs' on the 4th.

Gonna see another very good friend Saturday night that I haven't seen for a couple months since he started a 3rd shift job. Miss him and can't wait to catch up! Guess that's what happens when we all grow up and have to be responsible...seeing your friends becomes all to infrequent, but when you do, it's like you never left. :-)

Have a great day everyone! Hope you all did better than me with the holiday food and drinks. :-S

Worked late at new job last night and did not workout. I could have, I had the time, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to come home and rest...not have to jump right into something else then go straight to bed. I feel worn out. I know a lot of it has to do with not getting enough sleep and if I was fully rested, I would feel like taking on the world.

Woke up this morning with a headache (again) and my face swollen. I ate some beef jerky yesterday and that's the only thing I can figure that is causing this...and my low water intake. I have about 45 minutes before I have to shower and get going to meet my friends for the movie then lunch. I need to eat before I leave cause we won't be eating till about 2ish....which is 6 hours away. But I don't feel like cooking. I don't feel like getting a shower. I feel like crying. Why? No clue.

But I know once I pick up my bestie (T) and meet M, I will be having a great time with them. So why the 'funk' feeling now? Maybe I will promise myself a nap this afternoon...if I can fall asleep. I'm sure there will be daytime fireworks going off too. UGH!

I need a massage. To work the tension and stiffness out of my shoulders and neck. And for some human contact. That always calms me. Why as humans do we avoid touching each other? I mean, even a hug is awkward for most and it's this kind of contact that helps us all feel connected, alive and loved. Without it we can wither emotionally...like I am. I will give T and M a hug today for sure! And I know it will make M feel awkward...he's very private and not-touchy. But I don't care. I like him and a hug is appropriate. :-)