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It's late and I just got home so I am not going to write a long entry tonight. It was a difficult day in therapy. I had felt rageful this week about my abuse and I told my counselor I was just so over the abuse affecting me every day. I just want to put it behind me forgive my abusers and move forward. We made a list of all the areas the abuse had affected and it was every area of my life - emotional, physical, spiritual, professional, social, self-esteem. We talked about a releasing exercise that I could try and my counselor said it was amazing that I turned out to have such a compassionate heart out of all that abuse. She said I could have turned out just like my abusers...She asked me if my father who was one of my abusers had loved me and I told her I didn't know how to evaluate that question anymore. Can an abuser truly love someone else? That is confusing to me...I just want to put all of this behind me and move on to a happier, healthier life.
I didn't get much else done today except for reading my book on prosperity, picking up the living room, listening to my affirmation tape, praying and going to dinner and a movie. Tomorrow we are going to help a friend shop for himself. I might work on the vows for my vow renewal tomorrow. Thanks all of you for listening. I did try a forgiveness exercise the other night with kind of mixed results. I thought of several people I needed to forgive and mentally told them I forgave them and I released them to their highest good. I probably need to do the exercise a few times I think. It did feel good to try. My counselor said forgiveness is a decision not a feeling which disappointed me a bit because I want to feel as if I've forgiven my abusers and others. Well I'm a work in progress... Weigh in in one more day.
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1553 kcal
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Gord: 119,15g | Prot: 89,59g | Carbs: 35,05g.
Café da Manhã: Egg, Bacon. Almoço: Green papper, Cheddar cheese, Lettuce, Tomato. Jantar: Guacomole, Beef steak. Lanches/Outros: Blueberries, Smuckers Peanut butter, Atkins fudge royale shake. mais...
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 Comentários
Andrea, I beleive that what she means is that you have to forgive, it doesn't just happen. I ahve forgiven all my abusers. I did it years ago, and while it sometimes still hurts, I am a better person for it, and neither the abuse or the abusers has any control over me anymore. Good luck on your journey. I wish you peace.
08 jun 10 por membro: ctlss
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Sweet dreams, Andrea. I know this journey of working on ourselves and in particular, our eating issues bring out emotions like a mad mutha'..but it is a good thing. So proud of you for being courageous enough to look the dragons in the face and have a stare down. :) One little piece I have tried to "walk out" in my life is "forgiveness is me, giving up my right to hold someone accountable for a wrong I have suffered." And sometimes... I have to forgive... over and over and over again. Then wake up and do it again..till that weighty issue of abuse and hurt no longer has me tethered down. (hug)
08 jun 10 por membro: FLOWERDUDE
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I second that. Give it time and you may have to let what your counselor pointed out sink in - forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. On the same vein, love is a verb. Two good points to keep in mind. And I think you are truly amazing, given what you must have been through. You are a compassionate person full of love for others. I hope you learn to extend that love to yourself, as well. Best to you always, Andrea.
08 jun 10 por membro: redwinelover
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Forgiveness is for you Andrea it allows you to move on in your life and friend you are doing what you can right now to do that. luv Lenny
09 jun 10 por membro: BCLenny
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Andrea, I don't know what I can say in addition to the wonderful comments above. Everyone is right. While you may feel you want to forgive is much different than making the decision to actually forgive. I don't know all the specifics to the abuse you were victim to, I do know that most abusers do so because this is all they know. Most of the time they are only repeating the abuse that they themselves had suffered. That cycle has obviously ended with you and only you have the power to walk away from it. You are such a strong person.
09 jun 10 por membro: kmartin
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Keli, is sooo right in her assessment of abusers. They often times have been abused and are so psychologically damaged, but would never admit to what they have been through, because they feel so ashamed of what they feel is their fault, and who it has made them. I am so sorry that this happened to you, but I suspect there are waaaaaaaaay more vicitms of this abuse than we will ever know. So many people who have been damaged and are trying to do the best they can, just as you are. I hope that God gives you the power to forgive so that you can move past this pain, and truly begin to live your life fully!!
09 jun 10 por membro: ctlss
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I agree with your counselor that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. To me, it's kind of like love, which is an act, not a feeling. Forgiveness is also an act. Love and forgiveness both have to be practiced, over and over, before they can be felt. I think about my relationship with my husband - do I always "feel" in love with him? After over 20 years, no. Sometimes he just pisses me off and I'd be perfectly fine if he got hit by a bus. (OK, that's an exaggeration, but you get my point). If I focus on what aggravates me, then those "feelings" of love will not be there. But if I practice loving him, then I will begin to focus on what he does that is so special to me, and those "feelings" of love will return. It's the same with forgiveness - I have to actively decide to forgive and release those who have hurt me, and I do it for my OWN good, not for theirs. They have their own demons and their own hell to deal with as a result of what they've done to me, but my forgiving them allows ME to move past it. I don't know what kind of abuse you've been through, but I will share that I've been through sexual and physical abuse as a child, and psychological abuse as an adult. I do believe that some abusers can love their victims. I draw the line at sexual abusers, though. In my opinion, people who sexually abuse others don't feel genuine love for their victims; they feel only some twisted version that's based on what gratification they get out of the relationship. Which is why it's so important for their victims to forgive them, only because of the benefit the VICTIM will receive from forgiveness.
09 jun 10 por membro: desifink
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Andrea, I have no words of my own to offer that would say more than the beautiful sentiments already given to you. My heart goes out to you. Please let me share a couple of scriptures with you.
2Thessalonians 2:16,
17 – May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting comfort and hope which we don’t deserve, comfort your hearts with all comfort, and help you in every good thing you say and do.
2 Corinthians1:3-4 –
What a wonderful God we have-He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials.
may God bless you
09 jun 10 por membro: candyann
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desifink,well said! You said it exactly!!
09 jun 10 por membro: candyann
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Just reading these comments brings tears to my eyes..you can see so many of us have been through more then just the battle of weight, for some its been a battle just to survive. "We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us"
09 jun 10 por membro: BCLenny
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09 jun 10 por membro: candyann
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Amen, Lenny. I decided many years ago that I needed to forgive my abusers before I could ever love myself. Doing it took much longer, but I finally did. After that the healing began. I carried so much guilt. It has been a long and difficult journey, but I finally realized that I needed to do what Christ himself said to do. Forgive the sinner, not the sin. What happened to you was horrendous, and the scars are deep, but as Lenny said, "We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us." And once we learn to forgive those who have injured us so terribly, the love we need to feel for ourselves begins to emerge and we are able to finally become the person that God intended us to be. This is an ongoing process, and it is something that we have to work on everyday.
09 jun 10 por membro: ctlss
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I know that forgiving the abuser can often lead to unconditional love. I forgave my Dad and when he died I cried, I miss him, not the abuser but the man I knew was truly there. I have since found out he went through abuse as a child and my heart was sad.... I forgave him long ago and it freed me to see past the abuse to the man that used to call me "skinny" how about that.
09 jun 10 por membro: BCLenny
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09 jun 10 por membro: ctlss
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So many kind thoughts and good wishes here for you, Andrea. And I've noticed something. The responses to your post indicate to that you have reached and touched many people here. So many of them care about you. That's important to note. You are obviously a very special person, and you deserve to be happy and enjoy your life. You owe that to yourself. Hang in there.
09 jun 10 por membro: WholeFoodsEater
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The responses to my journal entry brought tears to my eyes and great comfort to my heart. It is a joy to know that several of you have been able to heal from past traumas through forgiving. I have much more hope that I might get there too now. You have all touched me deeply.
09 jun 10 por membro: Multiplicity1
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