Jornal de suechru, 28 ago 10

Man, I love feeling my clavicle.

It's one of those things that I forgot about. As I put on more and more weight over the last three to four years my clavicle got buried. My weight gain happened in stages, I picked up about 25 lbs due to depression. Then another 25 due to a desk job (and stress from it). Then another 25 lbs from being unemployed for the last year. The unemployment weight is mostly gone now and my clavicle has returned.

I forgot what it was like to be able to feel it, to see it. I forgot what it was like to see veins. Or to be able to even find the birthmark I have on my abdomen a little above my navel. At my lowest weight, I could look down and see that birthmark. When I'm heavier the overhang means I have to manipulate flab to find it (push something back, pick something up, etc.) I wasn't able to find it at all last month. I actually thought it faded and wasn't there anymore.

It was just apparently buried in a way, I couldn't get to it. I can't look down and see it, but I can find it now and it doesn't take the effort it used to.

I'm wearing a really cute lace trimmed tank top today. It's a size XL and I think I look great in it. I can almost see the figure I'm going to have at the end of this journey when I look in the mirror now - very hourglass like. I see it peeking out a little now and it encourages me. I figure it'll probably take 2 years at least to get to that 165 goal. I'm sure I can get down to 180-190 in a quicker amount of time (probably more in the frame of a year to year and a half) but I know that last twenty pounds or so is going to be slow in comparison. I'm okay with that.

There's a certainness that I've picked up over the last few days. I know I'm going to get there this time. I know I'm going to maintain. I know it WILL happen this time around. I lost 21 lbs already and gained muscle in areas where I never really had muscle before. I'm going to get to that goal weight eventually.

And I'm going to run a 5K.

Not this fall, I'm not deluded. But spring of 2011 is definitely possible. I can't jog for long but I love the feeling of it. It's a light free feeling that I've never experienced before. I can see myself slow jogging a 5K next spring.

I don't know if all this confidence came from the better physical shape or officially breaking the 20lb lost barrier. Maybe it was the realization that I could do simple switches with meals to not go over calories like I did earlier this week. Whatever it is, it's clear and exciting.

I could hating myself because I'm not at goal yet and decide that only good things happen when I weigh the right amount, but I kinda love my 250lb body. I love the visible clavicles. I love the veins in my thigh I found last night. (I have NEVER noticed veins in my thighs before ever and I'm 30.) I love the firmness I'm feeling in my arms. I think so many people think there's an either/or. You love the body you're in or you don't and want to lose weight. You don't have to choose.

I love the body I'm in, I want to help make it stronger and healthier. I will probably never have a flat stomach. I am cool with that. If I can't love myself at 250, I'm never going to love myself at 165.

Today is my day off from the 30 Day Challenge and I need it after last night's workout. My knee/legs are a little sore so I'm going to take it easy today. I'm off to the farmer's market and then to visit some relatives down by the shore until tomorrow.

Affirmations for today:
1) I'm beautiful no matter what I weigh

2) I'm worth all the effort I'm putting into this.

---

2431 kcal

Gord: 54,08g | Prot: 112,80g | Carbs: 295,99g.   Café da Manhã: skim milk, stevia, iced coffee, Grapes, water, trader joe's clover blossom honey, trader joe's nonfat greek vanilla yogurt. Almoço: Golden Delicious Apples, mustard, Cheddar or American Cheese (Fat Free, Pasteurized), buffalo chicken breast , Light Rye Bread, kirby cucumber. Jantar: Italian Bread, Steamed or Boiled Shrimp, Corn On The Cob with Butter, Scallops, Potato French Fries, Fried Battered Flounder. Lanches/Outros: Lemonade, Vodka, Savory Rice Crackers, Sugared or Glazed Doughnuts. mais...

3149 kcal

Exercício: Trabalho Doméstico - 30 minutos, Fazer Compras - 1 hora, Dirigir - 1 hora e 50 minutos, Descansar - 12 horas e 40 minutos, Dormir - 8 horas. mais...